Bert And His New House
by inkblot hearts
Summary: Originally called: "Why MCR and The Used Should NEVER Live Together in Beverly Hills", Bert had changed since he got his new house.


_A/n: A lot of this was inspired by a deam. I woke up after Bert left to get that thing he wanted to show Jeph._

Jeph rang the doorbell to Bert's new house.

"Coming!" said Bert's voice. The door opened.

"Hey, Bert."

"Hey, Jeph. Come on in."

Jeph walked in and looked around. "Cool place. You moved in last Wednesday didn't you?"

"Yep," said Bert. "You want something to drink?"

"Sure, what the hell."

Bert went into the kitchen.

"Oh, don't go into the sixth bedroom on the second floor," Bert called over his shoulder.

"Why not?"

"You don't wanna know."

Bert came out a few minutes later with two glasses of lemonade.

"So, man," said Bert. "How ya been?"

"Oh, you know. Same old, same old."

Bert looked at something around Jeph's neck "This new?"

Jeph held the locket around his neck. "Yep. Got it from a catalogue."

Bert looked confused. "I think I've seen that before."

"You have, if you've seen the 6th Harry Potter movie."

"Are you fucking serious? They sold Slytherin's locket? In catalogues?"

"Yeah."

Bert stood up. "Oh, wait. There's something you totally have to see. I'll be right back." Bert went out of the living room.

Jeph sat. And waited. And waited.

Then he heard a noise upstairs.

Jeph turned around. He got up and went up the stairs. The noise was coming from a bedroom. Dare he look inside? Oh, yes. He dares. He opened the door a crack. His jaw nearly hit the floor.

Mikey and Gerard WERE MAKING OUT.

"Jeph?" Bert called from downstairs.

Jeph squealed, which caused Gee and Mikey to jump and look around.

"ARRRRRRRRRRGH!!!!" yelled Mikey, pointed wildly at the door.

_Oh, shit_, thought Jeph. _I'm dead._

Gerard opened the door and Jeph fell into the room. Gerard took a look at Jeph and ran to the bathroom. Before he could reach it, there was a retching noise and chunky purple liquid gushed out of his mouth and onto the carpet.

Bert ran upstairs.

"What the fuck is- OH FUCK NO!!!!"

Gerard looked at Bert with apologies written all over his face.

Jeph looked at the throw up. "Uhh, why is it purple?"

Mikey popped his head from the bedroom. "After effects of incest. I tried to tell Gee but he didn't listen."

Gerard looked up. "No more incest, 'kay, Mikey?"

"Yeah."

_CRASH._

"What now?" groaned Bert as he opened the bedroom door down the hall.

Jeph followed. Bert was staring in horror at Frank and Quinn. Frank's shirt was off and his jeans were down to his ankles. Quinn was standing in a long t-shirt ((covering his groin)) with his shorts off and his boxers down to his knees. Between them was a broken lamp.

"YOU ASSHOLES!!!!" yelled Bert. "I TOLD YOU TO BE CAREFUL WITH THAT!!! THAT IS THE RAREST MOST EXPENSIVE LAMP IN THAT MUSEUM!!!!"

"Jeez, when did Bert become so protective of his furniture?" Jeph asked Mikey.

"Since he got the new home," Mikey replied.

_Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz, bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz._

"What's that?" said Jeph.

It was coming from the bathroom next door. The door was open slightly, so Jeph looked in.

RAY WAS SHAVING HIS FRO OFF.

Jeph ran to Mikey. "Mikey, Ray is shaving his fro off!!!"

"No. Way," said Mikey, in an awed voice.

They hurried to the bathroom and saw Ray still shaving his fro.

"RAY," Mikey shouted. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?????"

Ray jumped a mile. Then he went pink.

"I thought I should shave it so I could look nicer," he said in a small voice.

He went redder.

"Bert is making me do it if I wanna live here. Everyone's gonna live here."

Ray went maroon.

"OH GOD, MIKEY," yelled Ray, grabbing Mikey's legs. "HE'S FREAKING ME OUT. BERT IS SO SCARY. HE'S ALL PROPER. I MEAN, HAVE YOU SEEN HIS HAIR??? IT'S CLEAN!!!!!!"

"Ray," said Mikey. "I know all that. And you're not alone. Quinn and Frank are going through a very loud third degree down the hall. Listen."

Ray was quiet for a moment, as he caught Bert screaming words like "DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING IN THIS HOUSE" or "SHUT UP, YOU ANIMALS, I'M TRYING TO TALK" and "I'M BEING NICE AND YOU BROKE A RARE LAMP, THAT IS NO WAY TO THANK ME".

"God," said Ray, after a while. "Sounds like my mom."

Jeph stood up. "I'll go check on Gerard."

He walked down the hall and was pleased to see that Bert had calmed down a little.

"Get the glue," he hissed to Quinn.

"We're out of glue," said Quinn in a small voice.

Bert pointed to Quinn, shaking with rage. "You… use up all the glue… on purpose."

Bert angrily made Quinn get dressed and go to the hardware store for more glue. He tried to think of something else to say, but all he thought of was "Not a finger!" and stomped off to his room.

Jeph pushed Gerard into his bed and gave him some water. Then he turned on _Jerry Springer_ for him. Jeph heard something from down the hall. He walked and found Bert's bedroom door open. He heard Bert's voice:

"_I'm dark and sensitive with low self esteem  
The way I dress makes everyday feel like Halloween  
I have no real problems but I like to make believe  
I stole my sister's mascara now I'm grounded for a week_"

Jeph started giggling. He couldn't believe Bert was singing The Emo Song.

"Hey, Jeph!"

Jeph turned. Mikey was calling out to him.

"Yeah?"

"You want a tour of the house?" asked Mikey.

"Sure."

Mikey led him downstairs and into the rec room.

Mikey pointed. "Big screen TV. For those rock shows he records all the time. I watched some and it's like you're in the crowd. We actually started a mosh pit down here, too. It was so fun."

Jeph laughed and looked around until he found a giant fishtank.

Mikey laughed. "Bert always wanted fish. He never took care of them. They all died; we have a fish graveyard outside."

Jeph eyes widened.

"AAAAAAAAARGH!!!!!!" he yelled, pointing at the tank.

Mikey jumped a mile. "What?"

"Dude, there's a girl in the fishtank!!!!"

"Calm down, man," said Mikey, pulling down Jeph's arm. "That's just Maddie. She lives down the street. She's always trying to find a way to bang Frank. She obsessed with him and Bert."

A girl with brown hair and purple streaks and an army coat waved from inside the tank. Mikey got a ladder and opened up the tank. Maddie scrambled out.

"Hey, Mikey!" she said. Then she saw Jeph. "OMG OMG OMG!!!! It's Jeph!!!"

"Maddie, for the 72nd time, don't come back here again!" said Mikey.

"Actually it's the 76th," she corrected him.

"Whatever, just don't come back here!" said Mikey, pushing her to the door.

"Mikey, you can't do that! I'm your neighbor!"

"And a pretty annoying one, too. Come on, out!"

Mikey pushed her out the door and closed it before she could run back in.

"Dude," said Jeph. "She left somethings."

Jeph held up a black Sharpie marker and a picture of Pierre Bouvier with a mustache drawn on him. Mikey and Jeph looked at each other and laughed.

Mikey pointed to the fishtank. "There's some more stuff."

Jeph climbed in and picked up a T-Mobile Sidekick II and a poster and climbed out.

"Let's check this out," said Mikey, taking the cell phone.

He went through her pictures and saw pictures of Bert and Quinn. Talking. And in the privacy of Quinn's room. The next seven were Bert and Quinn making out, same day.

Jeph looked at the poster. It had all five members of MCR and a picture of Maddie in similar clothes, sitting in front of Gerard, with a sleazy look on her face.

Jeph and Mikey switched. They looked up at each other. And they laughed.


End file.
